Lately, I've really been thinking about why I'm really here in Victoria. Why did I move here? Most importantly, was I ready? When these kinds of questions get into my head, I have a tendency to either panic and accept them, or mull them over until my brain hurts and cry about it for hours and do nothing until someone tells me what to do. In this situation, I did a series of maneuvers that included panicking, rejecting, confusing, crying, accepting, learning, understanding, and then re-evaluating. That was the general order, with some more crying thrown here and there for extra drama and unnecessary emotional stress.

In short, I was confused and unhappy, and now I'm not. Following me so far?

Concerns were as follows, somewhat in order;

They all tie into each-other, which added even more mental stress. I hate figuring things out in specified ways. Hurts my brain.

I have entered into this life un-prepared, which, although not good in the monetary sense, made sense for me (if you understand that, then we're doing great). I felt as if it were time for me to leave home - leave my family and essentially all I own - and venture here, to Victoria, all on my own. I had just over $300, a backpack and a heavy dose of healthy confidence.

The money went fast: rent, food, transportation. The backpack was eventually accompanied by blankets, creative supplies and clothing, and the confidence, well, that...went down the drain.

I've applied at so many places, and none of them have called, except Tim Hortons - to interview me and then say no. I'm sure Melissa can relate to this feeling. It sucks. Chapter WAS hiring, but they failed to look at my application beforehand because they are lame and check their application inbox once every decade. I could rant about that for a while. So, still waiting on other places to call me back, but I'm probably going to go in and remind them that I'm actually alive, so they know that my phone number isn't disconnected or that it doesn't pop up with an answering machine message about my funeral date or some-such.

Having a job (supposing I DID, in fact, have one), especially at this time of year, would entitle me to holiday pay - yay! - and no time off - boo! - which means no visiting family for Christmas. And that is, well, pretty much unacceptable in my mind. Christmas is really special to me. I'm not sure what the exact reasons are behind it, it just is. And so not having time off to spend with my family back home would suck BALLS.

This no job situation makes in impossible for me to pay my rent. See how that ties in? Important. Without a job, there's no money, and without money, there's no rent and without rent, there's no place to sleep or shower or fail at Yoga, and street life doesn't appeal to me. All that = not good. So, while not being able to pay rent, I go about my days as if I'm not worried about anything at all. Drinking eggnog, watching SYTYCDC, petting the cat, helping the family set up their Christmas tree, etc.

That instance, the tree instance, is where all the shame and guilt and nervousness and panic hits me. So I calmly exit the room, and head downstairs to hide in my near-empty armoire and commence cry-bout #1. That lasts about 30 seconds. I don't cry much. I'm done that, and so I lay in bed, running everything over my head. Aaaand, nothing. I'm stuck. Lucky me.

Life goes on for 3 or 4 days, with me trying to contact the Income Assistance Agency so I can get help for money for rent. Called SO many times, nobody picks up. Their automatic systems are no help at all, and today, when someone FINALLY picks up, they put me on hold - for 20 whole minutes - and then hang up on me. First of all, I don't have the minutes on my phone to talk for that long, let alone hold, and then, after being impatiently patient, to have them hang up on me is a dick move! VERY dick-ish of them.

-breathes deep-

At that point in time, I decided that I had dealt with my brain-voices long enough, and that it was, in fact, time to accept them and go home. I wasn't ready for this life. Who was I trying to kid? No job, no money. Discussed it with friends. People whom I didn't even know. Most were "if you think it's best, then do it." And so I made up my mind and built around my mind the "Wall of Decision". I was leaving Victoria.

This is where I call my family and tell my mother and she is concerned about me and feels that my 'second thoughts' should be brought to justice, but in a nice way that leaves me feeling like I was meant to stay. My destiny. My wall of decision starts to waver.

My dad calls me next. . . . I'm just going to say right here, that talking to dad almost always leads to indecision. I don't know what it is about him, or the ideals he has, or how they relate or clash with mine. I don't know, but what I do know is that if I go to him with my problems/decisions, most of the time I leave confused and undecided.

This was no exception. He totally destroys any shred of thought in my mind and leaves me berefit of decision. Yay me.

Melissa gets on the phone next. Sweet, lovely Melissa. She tells me that she's moving to Van/Vic as soon as she can find a job, and that (if I chose to) I could stay with her and share an apartment. Really? To me, that sounds so cute. I think it'd be loads of fun. I like choices. This appeals to me.

Then they lay it on me.

My family is possibly the greatest, nicest, most incredible family on this planet. When God gave me life, he sure gave me a good one, I'll tell you that.

In addition to previously paying for my plane ticket to Victoria AND my phone bill (which was a lot for unknown reasons), they are also now paying my RENT for this month.

. . .As I told mom on the phone "That is amazing, and I feel like a douche at the same time." she thought that was rather amusing and proceeded to laugh. I was quite serious.

Don't get me wrong, not having to worry about rent anymore for this month is quite a happy thing, but I feel so guilty about them paying more for me. They've done soooo much now, and I don't know what I'm going to do to make it up to them. I really don't.

At the mean time. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. Not only are they paying rent, they are bringing Christmas to ME. -sighs- ( I LOVE YOU GUYS! ) They are coming down to Victoria to spend the holidays with me in a hotel room. It's adorable and touching and it made me cry pretty badly, even though I was trying not to let them hear it over the phone.

Is there anything I need to ask for this Christmas? I have an amazing family, who sacrificed their time and their money to help me build and continue my life. I can't ask for anything else.

Except a job. That would be nice. ;3

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Swept through 3 more people on my artist list today: Matthew Good Band, Metric, and Midlake. Found a few, hated a lot. An O.K. reel, I suppose.

I am starting to not like Macs. Jenny would not approve.

Speaking of Jenny. We have started our Tuesday Night Movie days now, and I expect her to hold to that, no matter WHAT school says. (You hear that, Jenny? GOOD).

P.S. The library isn't THAT bad...

Kristopher: You keep going on that novel. I am stupid-proud of you right now.

Demi: After I buy milk and other essential things that keep me alive and healthy, I shall send you your cereal, I promise. And tell me when you're done all that homework, eh? The Book needs to be passed on, and you need to seriously help me satisfy my FLYFF cravings.

Jacinda: I miss you pretty badly. I've been re-living memories lately, and you pop up in a lot of them. ^^; WRITE ME, HO!

Gaia is old news to me now. I mean, yeah, I'll log on... but really, that's born of habit. I'll log on and then exit out. How weird is that? Seems like yesterday I was breaking out custom profiles and CSS-ing my way to the top, and now I'm... on semi-permanent hiatus.

If anyone has artist recommendations then tell me, please. ESPECIALLY if they are Indie or Brit-Pop.

~K.L.

say something~

Lately, I've really been thinking about why I'm really here in Victoria. Why did I move here? Most importantly, was I ready? When these kinds of questions get into my head, I have a tendency to either panic and accept them, or mull them over until my brain hurts and cry about it for hours and do nothing until someone tells me what to do. In this situation, I did a series of maneuvers that included panicking, rejecting, confusing, crying, accepting, learning, understanding, and then re-evaluating. That was the general order, with some more crying thrown here and there for extra drama and unnecessary emotional stress.

In short, I was confused and unhappy, and now I'm not. Following me so far?

Concerns were as follows, somewhat in order;

They all tie into each-other, which added even more mental stress. I hate figuring things out in specified ways. Hurts my brain.

I have entered into this life un-prepared, which, although not good in the monetary sense, made sense for me (if you understand that, then we're doing great). I felt as if it were time for me to leave home - leave my family and essentially all I own - and venture here, to Victoria, all on my own. I had just over $300, a backpack and a heavy dose of healthy confidence.

The money went fast: rent, food, transportation. The backpack was eventually accompanied by blankets, creative supplies and clothing, and the confidence, well, that...went down the drain.

I've applied at so many places, and none of them have called, except Tim Hortons - to interview me and then say no. I'm sure Melissa can relate to this feeling. It sucks. Chapter WAS hiring, but they failed to look at my application beforehand because they are lame and check their application inbox once every decade. I could rant about that for a while. So, still waiting on other places to call me back, but I'm probably going to go in and remind them that I'm actually alive, so they know that my phone number isn't disconnected or that it doesn't pop up with an answering machine message about my funeral date or some-such.

Having a job (supposing I DID, in fact, have one), especially at this time of year, would entitle me to holiday pay - yay! - and no time off - boo! - which means no visiting family for Christmas. And that is, well, pretty much unacceptable in my mind. Christmas is really special to me. I'm not sure what the exact reasons are behind it, it just is. And so not having time off to spend with my family back home would suck BALLS.

This no job situation makes in impossible for me to pay my rent. See how that ties in? Important. Without a job, there's no money, and without money, there's no rent and without rent, there's no place to sleep or shower or fail at Yoga, and street life doesn't appeal to me. All that = not good. So, while not being able to pay rent, I go about my days as if I'm not worried about anything at all. Drinking eggnog, watching SYTYCDC, petting the cat, helping the family set up their Christmas tree, etc.

That instance, the tree instance, is where all the shame and guilt and nervousness and panic hits me. So I calmly exit the room, and head downstairs to hide in my near-empty armoire and commence cry-bout #1. That lasts about 30 seconds. I don't cry much. I'm done that, and so I lay in bed, running everything over my head. Aaaand, nothing. I'm stuck. Lucky me.

Life goes on for 3 or 4 days, with me trying to contact the Income Assistance Agency so I can get help for money for rent. Called SO many times, nobody picks up. Their automatic systems are no help at all, and today, when someone FINALLY picks up, they put me on hold - for 20 whole minutes - and then hang up on me. First of all, I don't have the minutes on my phone to talk for that long, let alone hold, and then, after being impatiently patient, to have them hang up on me is a dick move! VERY dick-ish of them.

-breathes deep-

At that point in time, I decided that I had dealt with my brain-voices long enough, and that it was, in fact, time to accept them and go home. I wasn't ready for this life. Who was I trying to kid? No job, no money. Discussed it with friends. People whom I didn't even know. Most were "if you think it's best, then do it." And so I made up my mind and built around my mind the "Wall of Decision". I was leaving Victoria.

This is where I call my family and tell my mother and she is concerned about me and feels that my 'second thoughts' should be brought to justice, but in a nice way that leaves me feeling like I was meant to stay. My destiny. My wall of decision starts to waver.

My dad calls me next. . . . I'm just going to say right here, that talking to dad almost always leads to indecision. I don't know what it is about him, or the ideals he has, or how they relate or clash with mine. I don't know, but what I do know is that if I go to him with my problems/decisions, most of the time I leave confused and undecided.

This was no exception. He totally destroys any shred of thought in my mind and leaves me berefit of decision. Yay me.

Melissa gets on the phone next. Sweet, lovely Melissa. She tells me that she's moving to Van/Vic as soon as she can find a job, and that (if I chose to) I could stay with her and share an apartment. Really? To me, that sounds so cute. I think it'd be loads of fun. I like choices. This appeals to me.

Then they lay it on me.

My family is possibly the greatest, nicest, most incredible family on this planet. When God gave me life, he sure gave me a good one, I'll tell you that.

In addition to previously paying for my plane ticket to Victoria AND my phone bill (which was a lot for unknown reasons), they are also now paying my RENT for this month.

. . .As I told mom on the phone "That is amazing, and I feel like a douche at the same time." she thought that was rather amusing and proceeded to laugh. I was quite serious.

Don't get me wrong, not having to worry about rent anymore for this month is quite a happy thing, but I feel so guilty about them paying more for me. They've done soooo much now, and I don't know what I'm going to do to make it up to them. I really don't.

At the mean time. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. Not only are they paying rent, they are bringing Christmas to ME. -sighs- ( I LOVE YOU GUYS! ) They are coming down to Victoria to spend the holidays with me in a hotel room. It's adorable and touching and it made me cry pretty badly, even though I was trying not to let them hear it over the phone.

Is there anything I need to ask for this Christmas? I have an amazing family, who sacrificed their time and their money to help me build and continue my life. I can't ask for anything else.

Except a job. That would be nice. ;3

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Swept through 3 more people on my artist list today: Matthew Good Band, Metric, and Midlake. Found a few, hated a lot. An O.K. reel, I suppose.

I am starting to not like Macs. Jenny would not approve.

Speaking of Jenny. We have started our Tuesday Night Movie days now, and I expect her to hold to that, no matter WHAT school says. (You hear that, Jenny? GOOD).

P.S. The library isn't THAT bad...

Kristopher: You keep going on that novel. I am stupid-proud of you right now.

Demi: After I buy milk and other essential things that keep me alive and healthy, I shall send you your cereal, I promise. And tell me when you're done all that homework, eh? The Book needs to be passed on, and you need to seriously help me satisfy my FLYFF cravings.

Jacinda: I miss you pretty badly. I've been re-living memories lately, and you pop up in a lot of them. ^^; WRITE ME, HO!

Gaia is old news to me now. I mean, yeah, I'll log on... but really, that's born of habit. I'll log on and then exit out. How weird is that? Seems like yesterday I was breaking out custom profiles and CSS-ing my way to the top, and now I'm... on semi-permanent hiatus.

If anyone has artist recommendations then tell me, please. ESPECIALLY if they are Indie or Brit-Pop.

~K.L.

say something~