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11.29.2009
I'm going to start this off by saying that life is good.
Lately, I've really been thinking about why I'm really here in Victoria. Why did I move here? Most importantly, was I ready? When these kinds of questions get into my head, I have a tendency to either panic and accept them, or mull them over until my brain hurts and cry about it for hours and do nothing until someone tells me what to do. In this situation, I did a series of maneuvers that included panicking, rejecting, confusing, crying, accepting, learning, understanding, and then re-evaluating. That was the general order, with some more crying thrown here and there for extra drama and unnecessary emotional stress.
In short, I was confused and unhappy, and now I'm not. Following me so far?
Concerns were as follows, somewhat in order;
- Rent
- Christmas with my Family
- Job
They all tie into each-other, which added even more mental stress. I hate figuring things out in specified ways. Hurts my brain.
I have entered into this life un-prepared, which, although not good in the monetary sense, made sense for me (if you understand that, then we're doing great). I felt as if it were time for me to leave home - leave my family and essentially all I own - and venture here, to Victoria, all on my own. I had just over $300, a backpack and a heavy dose of healthy confidence.
The money went fast: rent, food, transportation. The backpack was eventually accompanied by blankets, creative supplies and clothing, and the confidence, well, that...went down the drain.
I've applied at so many places, and none of them have called, except Tim Hortons - to interview me and then say no. I'm sure Melissa can relate to this feeling. It sucks. Chapter WAS hiring, but they failed to look at my application beforehand because they are lame and check their application inbox once every decade. I could rant about that for a while. So, still waiting on other places to call me back, but I'm probably going to go in and remind them that I'm actually alive, so they know that my phone number isn't disconnected or that it doesn't pop up with an answering machine message about my funeral date or some-such.
Having a job (supposing I DID, in fact, have one), especially at this time of year, would entitle me to holiday pay - yay! - and no time off - boo! - which means no visiting family for Christmas. And that is, well, pretty much unacceptable in my mind. Christmas is really special to me. I'm not sure what the exact reasons are behind it, it just is. And so not having time off to spend with my family back home would suck BALLS.
This no job situation makes in impossible for me to pay my rent. See how that ties in? Important. Without a job, there's no money, and without money, there's no rent and without rent, there's no place to sleep or shower or fail at Yoga, and street life doesn't appeal to me. All that = not good. So, while not being able to pay rent, I go about my days as if I'm not worried about anything at all. Drinking eggnog, watching SYTYCDC, petting the cat, helping the family set up their Christmas tree, etc.
That instance, the tree instance, is where all the shame and guilt and nervousness and panic hits me. So I calmly exit the room, and head downstairs to hide in my near-empty armoire and commence cry-bout #1. That lasts about 30 seconds. I don't cry much. I'm done that, and so I lay in bed, running everything over my head. Aaaand, nothing. I'm stuck. Lucky me.
Life goes on for 3 or 4 days, with me trying to contact the Income Assistance Agency so I can get help for money for rent. Called SO many times, nobody picks up. Their automatic systems are no help at all, and today, when someone FINALLY picks up, they put me on hold - for 20 whole minutes - and then hang up on me. First of all, I don't have the minutes on my phone to talk for that long, let alone hold, and then, after being impatiently patient, to have them hang up on me is a dick move! VERY dick-ish of them.
-breathes deep-
At that point in time, I decided that I had dealt with my brain-voices long enough, and that it was, in fact, time to accept them and go home. I wasn't ready for this life. Who was I trying to kid? No job, no money. Discussed it with friends. People whom I didn't even know. Most were "if you think it's best, then do it." And so I made up my mind and built around my mind the "Wall of Decision". I was leaving Victoria.
This is where I call my family and tell my mother and she is concerned about me and feels that my 'second thoughts' should be brought to justice, but in a nice way that leaves me feeling like I was meant to stay. My destiny. My wall of decision starts to waver.
My dad calls me next. . . . I'm just going to say right here, that talking to dad almost always leads to indecision. I don't know what it is about him, or the ideals he has, or how they relate or clash with mine. I don't know, but what I do know is that if I go to him with my problems/decisions, most of the time I leave confused and undecided.
This was no exception. He totally destroys any shred of thought in my mind and leaves me berefit of decision. Yay me.
Melissa gets on the phone next. Sweet, lovely Melissa. She tells me that she's moving to Van/Vic as soon as she can find a job, and that (if I chose to) I could stay with her and share an apartment. Really? To me, that sounds so cute. I think it'd be loads of fun. I like choices. This appeals to me.
Then they lay it on me.
My family is possibly the greatest, nicest, most incredible family on this planet. When God gave me life, he sure gave me a good one, I'll tell you that.
In addition to previously paying for my plane ticket to Victoria AND my phone bill (which was a lot for unknown reasons), they are also now paying my RENT for this month.
. . .As I told mom on the phone "That is amazing, and I feel like a douche at the same time." she thought that was rather amusing and proceeded to laugh. I was quite serious.
Don't get me wrong, not having to worry about rent anymore for this month is quite a happy thing, but I feel so guilty about them paying more for me. They've done soooo much now, and I don't know what I'm going to do to make it up to them. I really don't.
At the mean time. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. Not only are they paying rent, they are bringing Christmas to ME. -sighs- ( I LOVE YOU GUYS! ) They are coming down to Victoria to spend the holidays with me in a hotel room. It's adorable and touching and it made me cry pretty badly, even though I was trying not to let them hear it over the phone.
Is there anything I need to ask for this Christmas? I have an amazing family, who sacrificed their time and their money to help me build and continue my life. I can't ask for anything else.
Except a job. That would be nice. ;3
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Swept through 3 more people on my artist list today: Matthew Good Band, Metric, and Midlake. Found a few, hated a lot. An O.K. reel, I suppose.
I am starting to not like Macs. Jenny would not approve.
Speaking of Jenny. We have started our Tuesday Night Movie days now, and I expect her to hold to that, no matter WHAT school says. (You hear that, Jenny? GOOD).
P.S. The library isn't THAT bad...
Kristopher: You keep going on that novel. I am stupid-proud of you right now.
Demi: After I buy milk and other essential things that keep me alive and healthy, I shall send you your cereal, I promise. And tell me when you're done all that homework, eh? The Book needs to be passed on, and you need to seriously help me satisfy my FLYFF cravings.
Jacinda: I miss you pretty badly. I've been re-living memories lately, and you pop up in a lot of them. ^^; WRITE ME, HO!
Gaia is old news to me now. I mean, yeah, I'll log on... but really, that's born of habit. I'll log on and then exit out. How weird is that? Seems like yesterday I was breaking out custom profiles and CSS-ing my way to the top, and now I'm... on semi-permanent hiatus.
If anyone has artist recommendations then tell me, please. ESPECIALLY if they are Indie or Brit-Pop.
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11.25.2009
I met a man today. Walked onto the bus and sat right down beside him. Said "Hi". He asked how I could text so fast. I asked where he was going. He said "Everywhere."
Nameless to one another, we sat in our rumbling chairs, seats cushions fashioned from some old 80's disco complex, and struck up a conversation about how time flies; flying beside us as we laughed and loved the noise around us.
He took out the bus pass he'd recently purchased with 42 dollars of his retirement fund. Presented it to me as if it was a golden egg, shining in all it's large and tacky glory. "It's very nice", said I. Hundreds of tiny lines around his eyes hugged, "It gets me where I am." I asked where he was and he said he didn't know, but "As long as he was there, he was."
I knew exactly what he meant.
The bus people were all damp - a result of the rain shredding the island, and as the windows fogged, and as my bus stop appeared out of the peep hole the man had rubbed through the gloom, we rushed to find words to both continue and end our conversation.
He was old. I was applying for crappy jobs. He loves listening. I didn't have a boyfriend. He was shocked. We liked to breathe fresh air.
"A job is just a job. A dream is not 'just' - it's a dream, and that's that. You have your entire life ahead of you. So many dreams. It's not easy. Not hard, though. Sometimes you have to do what you have to, but don't do what you don't, 'cause you'll never be happy, and happy is all you have. I'm happy, and I'm old. I'm 80, but I ride buses and meet lovely people like you, and I'm happy. Don't be unhappy. Go where you want to do, and be who you want to be, ya' hear? Text on your cellphones and find a guy, when you find the guy you'll need. Smile, okay? I wish you luck.
Have a future."
I told him it "was nice to talk with him". We shook hands, and when I stepped off the bus into the fresh air we both love so much I realized that I lied. It wasn't simply 'nice' to have talked with him. It was the best. I should have told him it was "the best". That it made me realize how much I want to be here - travelling, living my life - right now. Not 'then'. Not when I could or should, but now, and I was happy.
When I'm 80 and my eyes crease, I want to be able to say that I travelled, I played, I lost and I won. That I went to Victoria, couldn't pay my rent, but met a man and saw a movie and ate rice and was happy. It doesn't matter what I could have done, or should have. All that matters is that I did, and who I am now.
And right now I'm happy.
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11.24.2009
"Of the Day"
Woke up: 10:43am
Songs: 'I Got a Feelin'' ~ Black Eyed Peas, 'Pity and Fear' ~ Death Cab For Cutie, 'I Was Walking With a Ghost' ~ Tegan and Sara
Lunch: Chow Mein + Ginger Beef ~ Famous Wok
Fortune Cookie Message: "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
Lucky Numbers: 10, 13, 18, 31, 35, 36
Foreign Word: 'Mustache' (hú)(zi)
Harry Potter Wiki'd: Tom Riddle's Diary
Applied to: Wal-Mart, Smart Set, Tim Hortons, Starbucks, Garage
Obvious Thought That Seemed Amazing At The Time: "Hey... people are different!"
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11.22.2009
A bit of a "late-night crack" from me to my buddy 'Demi'. Truthfully, I have no idea where this came from, but I'm suspecting it stemmed from my recent emotional high over the final powerfully mind-blowing episode of Macross Frontier. Cried and laughed and covered my mouth too many times. Must sanitize the area...
Kathleen
Hey look. It's the Jamzi.
Jamming with her F & B
No count to 3
All over this chat
and shit
with no letter B
'cause B sucks
and R is the shit.
WORD
2:09amKimberley
o_o
I.. I'm trying to rap this.
Is it supposed to be rapped?
raps
whoa
bold
-RAPS-
2:09amKathleen
bold wraps
like, edible?
'cause that'd be nice.
2:09amKimberley
Spicy, sweet and sour, BOLD.
Yeaah.
Ranch flavours too.
2:10amKathleen
with peanut butter?
crunchy
only
2:10amKimberley
crunchy.
yes.
xDDD
2:10amKathleen
cause smooth is for people who fart
too loudly
in public
with hats.
2:10amKimberley
Late night crack, Kate?
2:10amKathleen
YES
you have no idea how hard I'm laughing right now
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11.21.2009
I just want to feel alive.
I've decided to start surrounding myself with uplifting images and messages.
I want to be inspired every day. By everything.
I've realized why I like Victoria. Here, I can breathe.
I'm confused. I'm broke. And I'm fine.
The rain - I went for a walk. No umbrella. No shoes. Lightning - inside and out. It was incredible.
'cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up
Last night, I dreamt I was lost. I was found. I knew where I was, but I couldn't see where I had been. No directions. Lights. Crowds. Darkness. Carnival. Pipes. Tunnels. Spiders. Explosions. Laughter.
Fear. Happiness.
Opposite.
I woke up - terrified - the kind you get when you're free-falling from a great height, knowing you'll be alive when you hit the bottom. The END.
;smiling.
A Haiku Tribute to Creative Writing:
- bubbles pirouette
- sunshine glinting bright in the
- laughter of our youth.
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11.18.2009
I am here, finally, at my new place. A place where I wont be staying for nearly as long as I thought I was. In my previous post, I mentioned something similar to that, saying that I was unsure of how long I was going to be here in Victoria. Well, that's all figured out now, at least, somewhat. Lately I've been looking at traveling Europe. It seems like such a fun adventure to take hold of, but, alas, so expensive. Because of the cost, I've turned to the advice of the lovely Sarah Von of Yes and Yes, who has previously posted a link of an organization to which I am in love with: WWOOF. Basically, it's volunteering on Organic Farms around the world, and who wouldn't take that over dishes at the local Chinese Resteraunt or Market, eh?
Links have been clicked and ideas have been sorted out, and I'm aiming for Australia, Peru or Nicaragua. Everything seems to be fairly cheap, except for the plane ticket, and little expenses. Food and Board is for the most part taken care of while there, and I wouldn't have to worry about saving a ton of money, as the exchange rates with the Canadian Dollar is usually pretty damn decent. Still sorting some things out, and once that is done, then I'm going to find a farm for me and just GO.
But for now, I'm in Victoria, living in a basement with no job.
The no job part should be covered soon, hopefully. As for the basement part, that's not getting any better. I'm glad I don't have to pay for Hydro and all that or my body would freeze.
The Pages are nice people, very nice. When I finally arrived, after an entire day of plane rides and cold winds and rain and late taxis and car problems, I opened to door and was met with a warm room, spaghetti, berry tea and iCarly. Oh, was that wonderful.
My room already looks like how it was at home - messy, but I'm blaming that on the fact that I haven't yet unpacked things. Which I should do today. I jokingly suggested to mom that I'm going to end up like Melissa while I'm here - watching TV 24/7. And I just might. I'm already a bit addicted. So glad HGTV works with the crappy cable, or I'd probably bite the dust. haha.
So, besides grocery shopping, walking for hours on end, and visiting Jenny, nothing exciting has happened to me yet. Hopefully soon. Hopefully I'll get a job that hopefully pays enough so I can hopefully pay the rent to hopefully live in this house for the next 3 months. Hopefully.
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11.15.2009
This is the last day for me. I'm moving to Vic tomorrow morning.
CRAZY!
I am.
So this is the last ditch attempt at downloading as much music as I can, and doing everything I can before my computer is unhooked, unplugged and unused for the next 2 or 3 days.
I might not be on it until Thursday. I REALLY hope that is NOT the case (as I think I might explode from lack of web access), but it might very well be. If it is, then I'll hop on some internet cafe comp. It's going to be the first thing I try and hook up. Wish me luck.
Packing is going very well today. Lots of stuff done. Taking a break from all that to check e-mail and, dur, blogpost.
I WANT MY HAT BACK! -wails-
Thinking of getting my hair cut again. Kind of hard to explain what I want without it sounding like I'm trying to be...Asian or something.
Which doesn't make much sense either.
But yes, another haircut. We'll see if that happens.
When I'm done paying rent and phone bills, buying groceries, and purchasing my bus pass, I will have almost $15 to my name. Exciting, eh?
NOT. It's so depressing.
GUYS, I don't know how long I'm actually going to stay in Victoria. At first it was "until summer", then it was "Until March" and now I just don't know. It's my stupid brain: the brain of the wanderer. Oh yes. "LET'S GO TO EUROPE!"
Really.
I want to. And that's the problem.
I've been looking at all these programs for volunteering and traveling and exchanges and it all looks so good. Some of it is even stupid-cheap. I just don't know if I should. Yes, should. I could, that's a no brainer, but I'm not sure if././././.
Fuck that train of thought.
Ahem.
Sometime I'm going to travel the world. That is certain.
LET'S DO IT!
So, staying in Vic while I plan for travel. Sounds good to me.
I'm eating sandwhich salami straight out of the package. It's soooo good.
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11.13.2009
As I'm folding all my clothes into old apple boxes, I can't help but notice how much my style has changed. I'm talking about the drastic changes (those will take up a whole 'nother post, believe you me) and the subtle changes - the ones that have taken place in the past year; a few months even.
It's strange I know, but even if my styles change, I find I never really get rid of them. I still find myself wearing the cluttered style of the infamous 'Emos', even though I swear I'd grown out of that phase months and months ago.
So let's go over them, my past styles, and see where it takes us.
As an infant I wore as little clothes as possible. That went on until I was a toddler of, oh, about 3. No clothes for me.
Then it was the shorts and tank phase, which allowed me to climb trees and fall out of them with relative ease.
At the energetic age of 8, I switched to the classic t-shirt and jeans combo, which (although in different fashions) has stuck with me until the present time. I love my TandJ. ♥
I went through a cowgirl phase of 2 months between then and age 12. I've always had a cowgirl phase, now that I think about it. It's just some part of me that will never fade.
That was also when I had my skirt and dress phase and when I learned that a bra was needed to continue on with my life. Oh, yes, the distress brought on by the first bra. I hated that.
However, it was necessary. Around that time was when I started to get a sense of style, however small and ridiculous it may have been. I was starting to match things better and follow trends. Were they the right trends? Who knows. This was when I became strange and eclectic and generally weird. I wore anything from camo skirts to outfits all green, cowboy boots with ribboned blouses and florescent, hippy pants. A lot of layers. Patterns. Oh yes. That was me. Sometimes I felt like Ugly betty. And this is kind of what I think I must have looked like to other people.
That was the year I entered the vestiges of public school. I was actually admired somewhat for my outgoing personality and who-gives-a-shit mindset, but I still dressed horrible. But, as you know, peer pressure does a lot of things. Like change someone's style, as it did mine.
I started to turn back to my jeans and a t-shirt phase, only this time it was more like this; a bit hippy and still somewhat strange. I wore long-sleeves a lot during grade 9, not sure why, but I did.
During my high-school years I decided that no way in hell was I going to turn up like some "preppy, hairbrained schoolgirl" (my words), and so I set out to live with styles that set me apart from the other girls, but still looked good. A word that was becoming clearer every day.
For the rest of my high-school life I wore everything from Hip to Hippy, and rocked it.
Some favorites of mine were things like this, this and this, all of which I still wear on a regular basis. Like I said, sometimes I slip back into certain wear, like Cowgirl, and I'm cool with that.
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I am a fan of most styles. I just love fashion. A certain favorite of mine is Emo-punk. I think the mix of cotton, leather and funk is rockin' and I would wear it frequently if given the chance.
Prep is something I'm okay with in small amounts. I like scarves and big earrings and belts.
I'm also getting more into the 'classic' feel of things. Tweed pants and pencil skirts are the shit. Really.
And OMG Narciso Rodriguez! ♥ LOVE that designer so much. I am such a runway fashion whore. I am.
I'm sure as I grow my style will alter, but now that I look at what I'm wearing now, I'm sure it won't be that drastic. Can't wait!
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11.10.2009
LIGHTS ~ "Face Up"It's late and I am tired. Wish I could spark a smile.The place is flying high but right now I wanna' be low.Don't wanna' move an inch, let alone a million miles,and I don't wanna' go, but I know I gotta' go.I just want to feel alive.The time you don't want to wake up'Cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up.The sun is always gonna' rise upYou need to get up. Gotta' keep your head up.Look at the people all around you.The way you feel is something everybody goes through.Dark out, but you still gotta' light up.You need to wake up. Gotta' keep your face up.
/+/+/+/+/+/+/
And that's me.
That song is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. It's now the the number one song on my iTunes.
That, and my amazing friend. Love you guys.
So, right, life. It's a bit crazy right now. Sorting through belts, and booking plane tickets, and debating whether to live entirely off fruit or rice for the next month. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I was doing, and what I was getting into. It just seems that every time I talk to my dad, I end up being confused about everything. I don't even know why I asked him for advice this time.
Well, in any case, I re-ran everything through my head again, ignored most of dad's advice, and re-arranged plans. I'm going to talk to Lisa tomorrow (my landlady) and see what I can do about time; an extra couple days, and mailing the rent money to her to hold the place. I'm almost positive she'll be okay with it.
With all the boxes I'm going to have, I've figured that Greyhound will be necessary for delivery there. Plane fare is being handled by my parents for the moment, until I'm settled in and can pay them back. That's being bought tomorrow (hopefully.)
I've been packing a lot, and still things have to be done. It's such a pain.
Still pretty psyched to be living there. Once things get ironed out, I'm sure I'll be even happier.
My trip to Kamloops and Victoria. It's all such a blur now. I wish I'd blogged while I was there, 'cause now that I'm home I've forgotten so much.
I'll remember a little bit more in a while and I'll add them to the growing list of trip things in my notebook. Then I'll post them here. Eventually.
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11.09.2009
Dear Jenny,
I don't really know how to tell you this, I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me at the Elton John concert and I saw you drive over my salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you and the results of that blood-sample, as a memory. You should also know that I always will remember the pep talks and I have a passionate interest for mice.
Go milk a cow,
Kate
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Oh, the boredom...
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11.08.2009
Last time I posted (too long ago) mentioned that I'd be relating the events that have happened in the past week by days.
Really? Did I say that? Phshaw, nooo. What I meant was that I'd just be telling you the general ideas and feelings and events. Right? Yes. That's what I meant.
Well, now that I've gotten ahead of myself, I'm going to backtrack and start from the bare minimum. There is so much that I could tell you guys. But, I don't think I can type it all out. I'm tempted to just say "Had a blast" and be done with it, but I know that will be completely unsatisfactory, and so I think a different plan of action is in order.
...although, I'm unsure of what that plan should be. -sigh-
Let's just give it a bit more time to stir and then I'll post something about my trip.
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11.01.2009
So much has happened since I've last posted here on (when was that?) Thursday? -whistles- that's such a long time ago. I'll break it down for you in sections. It'll be easier to read and easier to understand; writing it will be easier as well.
Let's start with...
Thursday
Waking up in Nessa's bed was heaven. It was warm and oh-so comfortable with her fluffy down quilt and the cat (Tank) warming the left side of my face. I blogged my lsat post, got ready, fed her cat and headed out the door, not knowing exactly where I had actually come from the night before. I knew the general direction of TRU, so I set out thataways. Stopped at a local 7 Eleven for a map and a bagel and continued on my way, feeling very much the stereotypical tourist with my backpack, camera and map unfolded. It was a bit cold, and snowing, wet, but I didn't mind. Somehow I just felt alive. Found it without much trouble. Met a few people on the way - some (unfairly) cute guys included. After waiting in the resident lobby for a half hour, eating Kit-Kats and talking to a guy about pot, Kim arrived downstairs to sign me in and then we headed upstairs. I love elevators. Just saying. Chilled in her room, her finishing some homework and me, having caught the drawing bug, sketched out half of her room in orange marker. It was pretty damn good, I must say. Truthfully, I can't remember a lot of the things that went on when I was there. lol We went to Wal Mart for a bit, bought some Transformers tee-shirts (rockin' shit), ate Chinese food for dinner AND breakfast the next day, Skyped with Jenny. I met Duncan (her boyfriend) in what was probably not his manliest disposition (sick), but his handshake was firm and I like him. Had amazing talks about her strange and wonderful boy situation she is in. How she's handling it. Shared my opinions on things. And really, Taylor and Fa(u?)lk should meet. Epic battle of general awesomness would ensue. We browsed HomeSense for a while. LOVE that place. Aw. Sad life of me it is. Screw alchohol! I get excited at lamps and throw rugs. Bring on the Zebra pillows and revolutionary orange non-stick spatulas! Take that over a party any day. That night was so much fun. We entertained ourselves by watching movies from I-am-bored.com and laughed so hard it hurt. Really, we were crying and laughing and in pain simultaneously. Hilarious. Right after that, we fell asleep in her dorm bed, which although hard, was decent enough. And she offered me her pillow, so I love her.coming soon: friday.